Boundaries & Codependency
Sometimes parents (or households) with good intentions can still lead us to have relational issues as adults. And sometimes parents were clearly poor role models for healthy relationships. Clients seeking help with boundaries or codependency tend to avoid any confrontation, struggle with self-esteem and assertiveness, see over and over that they allow others to treat them poorly, and/or get disappointed and exhausted regularly from over-giving of themselves.
Some of the early experiences that give rise to issues with boundaries or healthy relationships include:
- living with a family member with a serious mental illness
- growing up in a family with addiction or an ACOA (adult child of alcoholic/addiction)
- growing up in high conflict/dysfunction families
- being parentified (placed in a role to caregive others) as a child
- witnessing emotionally or physically abusive relationships
- not being protected from an abusive sibling or another important person
- being a child of highly critical parent
Issues with confrontation, assertiveness, self-esteem also flow into relationship patterns at work, friendships, raising our children, etc.
Many times there is some backlash when we begin to put ourselves and our needs first. Sometimes there is resistance when relationship dynamics change even in slightest ways. Not all relationships need to be kicked to the curb, but usually many will experience re-evaluation. Sometimes relationships withstand changes and sometimes we have to work to invest efforts where reciprocity and health are encouraged.
I enjoy working with women and men on boundaries and codependency issues. I enjoy seeing client's ability to set new expectations for themselves and others as we see their depression decrease and self-esteem/self-worth improve. These shifts can be a bit emotional and reactive in the beginning but lead to much more stability and health in relationships over time. As the therapist said to Lori Gottlieb (in her recent book) "the nature of life is change and the nature of people is to resist change."
